June

I can barely write anything...I have so much I want to get out but have no idea where to start. I am back...or am I with my guy. He's not really my guy...my guy will love me just as much as I love him...where the Hell is he? I have asked the Universe for him to come and I always get someone sent but they are the wrong ones. I just continue in this relationship and continue hurting and left wanting. I know not what to do.

I just want to share my life with someone who is my soul mate...sounds like a huge order.

Another evening of pain. Asked him if he would be my Valentine...guess not. We ended up in yet another conversation about what I want and need from a relationship. I asked him what he wants and he can not tell me...all he says is that he doesn't want to go on like this anylonger...no suggestions on how to improve the situation. He really doesn't want me to leave but doesn't want me to stay. There is no other move for me...I had to leave. I sobbed, hugged him , kissed him and told him I loved him and this is not what I want. I think he watched me drive away.

My heart is used to this emotion of pain now. I live in my broken heart. My head knows everything that is going on...my heart can't catch up and overrules!

I sent one last email this morning...overcome with emotion and, love and yes, desparation. I must turn this over to God now....

Wild horses can't seem to drag me away! Four days of no contact with him ended with a rendez-vous that has left me wondering what the Hell was I thinking! Nothing has changed! That is what I keep telling myself. I have a fairly clear understanding in my head and now my heart what this relationship is about...and I still am not satisfied with it. I want, I need and I deserve something better. I am embarassed at all the drama I put myself througha and my dear friends....they held me up when I was crushed to the ground, they kept a hold on my hand and supported me with love. I needed them and they helped me so very much only for me to take this huge step forward and then allow myself to step backwards one half step.

I am working this week...well, always working on myself but this week working my cleaning buisness and today at my friend's boutique. The kids come back tonight and I will be Mom as well. It seems like the days pass and even though I don't feel like I am getting anywhere...I am not going backwards. Each day gets me closer to knowing who am I am how to be the best that I can be.

First Day

I did it...I raised my hand and said no more...I will not accept being in a relationship any longer where there is no love, no trust or compassion. This has been a 7 year journey that took many a turn to ulitmately end up at a dead end...there is no more to go on the road. I am certain of my decision and by relying on God's Will and so many wonderful friends along the road, I was able to stand up strong and keep strong today.

I am sure that he has no idea of how much hurt I felt. I have felt that hurt for the last time. It is already so much better...I am still waiting somehow for a message from him even though I doubt I will hear anything. It will just keep getting better, healing and time will soothe the open wounds.

What I thought was Love was not...it was just me in love with the idea that he wanted what I wanted, that he adored me as much as I did him and that we would always be happy together. It took 7 years to finally have my heart understand the truth enough to stand alone.

Today is the first day of my new life. I am excited even as I mourn the end of my obsession. There is so much to write and pour out...and I am just not feeling prolific enough...I just want to get this out and state that I am alive, well, hopeful and sober.

My first entry!

Hello! Well, this is my first entry and first ever experience in blogging! I am hoping to journal and share my thoughts on my journey in life at this point. I have learned so much in the last year or so about myself. It is such a good time to be a woman and this age. I feel like it's all right there but I just have to prepare myself and then click those heels! Happiness, success, love and abundance is there to enjoy. I am on a journey of finding these things starting NOW!